The first time

Today, I got a new therapist. It was awkward at first because she thought I was a new intake but soon realized I was established so she wanted me to tell her about myself while she read over my file.

“What started all this?” she asked

Well, nothing. In fact, I thought everything was perfect. I had the job I wanted, the boyfriend I wanted, the apartment I wanted, the car I wanted. I could go on and on.  I loved my life. Everything was just right.

Then, I came home one Friday evening after work and I laid down for a nap. The next thing my eyes snapped open and I was shaking in rage. Literally, shaking in my bed. I wanted to kill someone. Not just anybody. A specific somebody. I planned it all in my head.  For the remainder of the night, I sent wild text and emails to two of my friends (one a ex-Marine and one a cop).  I knew they would stop me.  In fact, I prayed they would just come over and put a bullet in my head.  I didn’t see the feelings I had ever stopping.  Finally, one of them called the police.  By then I was already running around my apartment complex, rolling around in the grass, pounding my fists in the ground and screaming at the top of my lungs.  Another universe was running through my mind.  Something Apocalyptic. The world was ending. I didn’t care. Somewhere, my brother was screaming at me.  Telling me to hold on. To keep it together. That he was coming. He would run from one side of the world to the other but he would get to me.  I finally heard the sirens in the background. I knew they were coming for me.  I couldn’t open my eyes.  I couldn’t respond. I heard people asking me if I was ok, who I was.  And, I could only whisper my name, who my brother was and that he was coming to get me.

When I woke up in the hospital, I was strapped down to the table. I thought, “what have I done? Have I ruined my life?”

The doctor was wonderful. Assured me everything was ok. That he could tell I was a beautiful person. He told me I came in talking so fast it was like I was singing the alphabet and the Star Spangled Banner at the same time.

That’s how it all began. That was Fucking Fort Myers.

I asked this therapist if anybody ever un-bipolared. Sadly no. It was always there. It will always be there.

Today, for the first time, I realized how serious my condition is. Before I saw most of the people around me run in fear and I was standing there without a clue. Now, I kind of get it. It is a big deal.  Under the right conditions, I can turn psychotic.  I have turned psychotic.  I’ve very urgently wanted to kill a person.  If the person had been anywhere near me, I would have made it happen.  I might go off into another universe.  I might start screaming about something that I see that isn’t there. Today, for the first time, I finally got how truly scary that is.  Why it hasn’t hit me before, I don’t know.

But, I did find some closure today. I let go of all those people that let me down. I understand now why they were scared.

Mary Lambert

There I am. Working away. I’ve done my laundry. Washed the dishes.  Now, I am plugging away on my computer listening to Pandora when this song comes on. I’ve never heard it. Or the artist. But, I’m hooked after the first few lines. She is me.

Mary Lambert~ Secrets

I’ve got bi-polar disorder
My shit’s not in order
I’m overweight
I’m always late
I’ve got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are) So-o-o-o-o what
So what
So what
So what

I can’t think straight, I’m so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I’m passive, aggressive
I’m scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won’t shut up
And I never really grew
They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what . . .

Must buy the album.  I have this new thing where I am boycotting iTunes because when I upgrade my laptop I seem to lose my stuff. So, I would rather just have my hard copy CD.

But, yeah, just knowing there is yet another person out there with my struggle makes me feel better.

The Gift of Staying Home

I’ve been thinking.

The Oprah Magazine, October 2014, has on the cover, “See Life Through a New Lens!”

How to: Own your quirks, love your flaws and celebrate your style.

I don’t even need to read the article (but I will). I love it!

You know one of the things I have struggled with is how to explain to people my current life. As if I need to explain. I’ve rambling about this on at least two occasions.

How do you answer the inevitable question of “What do you do?” which basically means “Who are you?”

http://crazyinparis.com/2014/04/07/what-am-i/

http://crazyinparis.com/2014/05/14/whatcha-been-up-to/

Well, nothing has changed in my circumstances but I’m now in a place where I am comfortable with who I am. I know what I do. I don’t need to prove anything. I have embraced my present circumstances.  In fact, it is turning out quite nice.

Yesterday, I found an article in the Washington Post that nicely sums up my recent enlightment and feelings on the matter.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/23/with-kids-off-at-school-how-i-answer-so-what-do-you-do-all-day/

The summary:

When confronted with the question, “What do you do?” we think our answer has to be time worthwhile and productive.  We have to say something profound or our life is meaningless or the person will think less of us.

We put pressure on ourselves this way.

For me, I have the additional paranoia, of not just judgment, but that the person will somehow destroy my happy place.

Like the article states, staying at home is a luxury to many and something to feel humbled and grateful for on a daily basis.

It is a beautiful gift.

Here recently, I’ve come to enjoy being able to stay home.  Having my days free.  Not having to deal with the stress and people of a job. It’s a huge relief off my shoulders.  This is definitely a gift that has been given to me and I’m going to enjoy every moment of it.

I also seen on Facebook a little ditty that people will hate you; people will love you and it has nothing to do with you so really, my front of an answer, stutter or confident proclamation of my circumstances makes no difference.

My life is non-traditional.  Always has been. Probably always will be.  People in the traditional rat race will never get the life that has been given me.

And, I have finally stopped asking for a “normal” life and can now see my blessings.

Thank you God for the much needed rest from the world. I love my new sanctuary.

So yeah, I’m loving that. I’m owning that. Those are my flaws and this is my life.

Medication Hiatus

Yesterday was a really good day.

Of course, it’s because I forgot to take my medication before I went to bed the night before.

I can tell you the medication does work to put me to sleep because I had a horrible night of no sleep or half sleep. A lot of tossing and turning. No sleep for me turns me into a raging psychopath but it takes a few days to get to that state so I can safely enjoy myself for one day.

Anyway, despite the rough night, I woke up feeling like my old self. I was totally doing something I shouldn’t so I did have some guilt. Nonetheless, it was nice. I felt focused and energized. That great big thumb that is always pressing me down was gone.  I happily got some things done that I would normally be dragging my sluggish booty to do.  I just had a really good day.

But, when the clock struck 8pm, I took my glass slippers off, got some orange juice and dutifully took my medication.

I remember what one doctor said, “Sure. Fine. You’ll be able to do it one day. Two days. Maybe a month. Maybe TWO months. BUT!!  Eventually, the bottom WILL fall out and you’ll be in a mental hospital worse off than before.”

MEDICATION. MEDICATION. MEDICATION. Gots to have it! It keeps the demons away, which are a lot worse than the side effects.

From a diet standpoint, I am doing well. If you recall, I ordered Nutrisystem. I did fine on that for the first two weeks. Lost 8 pounds but started hating the food and having side effects so I gradually turned to goody non-diety deliciousness one bite at a time.  A pound crept back on. Then, a half pound.

That’s when I went to the store to get my real food fixins.

Breakfast

1 egg

4 oz non-fat Greek yogurt

½ cup blueberries

1 slice bacon

1 banana

9 almonds

Lunch~ Great Big Ole Salad

When I was vegan for a short time, this was the best lesson I learned. Everybody should be eating a Great Big Veggie Fest Salad every day. My grandma also swears by this and she is a healthy, hearty good for another 100,000 miles 80 years old.

Lettuce (like 6 cups)

Tomato (medium size)

Half a cucumber

3oz chicken

Real Bacon Bits

Dressing (It’s Ranch for me. I start out that way. It helps me hork down the salad but I’ll taper myself off eventually)

Dinner

Right now, I am eating my Nutrisystem dinners drowned in Siracha.  I’ll be eating those and the lunches for a while.

So far, I am two days strong and have removed the post-Nutrisystem creepin gain. I give myself smiley stickers for every day I stick to nutritious eating.

While I am working away on this blog and some other internet duties, my Ginger-Bear is behind me and has claimed the big comfy reading chair.

Patronus Charm for Depression

Depression is a bitch. It’s like a dementor sucking the very life out of you.

But, here lately, there has been a spark of life within me. I still feel like I have heavy chains that I drag around with me but I force myself to do it. I know what it is like to feel emotionally and physically weighed down but what has helped me is just fighting it even if my efforts seem puny. One tiny step in front of the other.  At least do the bare minimum required to be human.

Turning to my ever faithful daily list has helped me the most.

• Get out of bed
• Walk Ginger
• Brush Teeth
• Weigh Self
• Get Coffee
• Take Fish Oil
• Make Bed
• Pick out clothes for the day
• Clean Kitchen
• Shower
• Get dressed
• Face moisturizer and deodorant~ It’s so easy when you don’t have to work to just wallow in your pj’s and get a little bit stinky.  But, I’m going to stop that.  So, even if it’s just for me, I will get dressed and fix myself up.
• Read my daily Jesus books
• Blog
• Do something productive.  I make a list of what needs to be done that day.   It can be very simple.Today, I ran to the store for toilet paper and deodorant.  I have a birthday party to go to.  I reached out to a recent acquaintance to see if they wanted to do something social.

Once you start doing the basics, it’s like a snowball.  You’ll find yourself doing more and more.  I haven’t achieved a normal life yet  but I have hopes to be back among the regular population again as a sane and rational person.

Crabby Pants Neighbors

I don’t live a charmed life but I always have what I need and for that I am blessed. But, things get dodgy and there is a lot of stress and angst as things fall into place.

I always feel like I am fighting some battle. Things are never serene. One of my friends says it’s always drama with me. I argue that drama is the one starting it.

There was a brief time in my life that I jumped out of bed excited for the day.

It might be age, circumstances, mental health, weight, etc. but I am not happy. Nonetheless, I determinedly march out of bed.  I hit my daily maintenance list and I just keep going until the day is over. I do everything I can.

Right now, I am somewhat unhappy with my new apartment.  On the inside, I have made it a perfect sanctuary.  On the outside, there are nothing but trolls. The trolls being my neighbors.

It’s a small complex.  Only 30 units.  And, some of these residents are really hunkered down. And, they are old. That was actually what appealed to me about the place.

It’s so small that currently, my Ginger Bear, my puppy love, is the only dog.

What has me mad? (which is a dangerous state for me)

These nasty people come out of their apartments to yell things at us! It scares her half to death. It pisses me off. It is literally a “Get off my lawn!” protest.  They don’t want her near their apartment and there are only so many places I can walk her.

So now, we avoid these “hot spots” but I did get a nasty gram from the apartment office that stated they had received “numerous complaints” and I needed to be reminded of all the rules of pet responsibly and if I couldn’t abide by these rules, Ginger would need to go.

It’s very unfair.

When I went to the manager to talk to her, she just implied that this was their place and had no empathy for my situation.

Even this morning, I was across the street and this nasty resident came out and glared at us.  She didn’t say anything this time because we on the other side of the street, my dog was on a lease and I was standing at the ready for pooper duty. But, I could feel her disapproval. It’s very uncomfortable.

I should be able to shrug this off but I’m sensitive. I am definitely stewing about this. So, I took an extra Ativan. I hit my Jesus books for patience. And, I am sipping my homemade latte from my Nespresso ranting to you fine people.

At first, I had a gut reaction that I wasn’t going to expose Ginger to this hostile environment.  Shamefully, I made some inquiries to find her a new home.  Then, I looked at her face and knew I loved her too much. I didn’t want her going anywhere.

So, here we are. I’ll be waiting for the shoe to drop and saving up my money in case I have to find another place to live.

Pushing for Ten

I want to get to a 10 pound loss on Nutrisystem. Right now, I am at 7.3 pounds lost. A victory I am proud of.

It would probably be faster and better if I followed the program exactly but I honestly don’t know who can do that. So, I eat their food, which is surprisingly, nay shockingly, filling. But, I’ll tell you. This stuff is so chemical. Lord. I don’t even want to know what it’s made of. But, it does have an effect on your constitution.

A very frequent and urgent effect. I’m dealing with this right now.

I do not want to leave the house.

Accidents, you know.

That is all I will say.

So, I eat what they give me and if I’m still hungry, I supplement with something healthy.  But, I might have a day where I eat lunch out. In which case, I order a salad. But, still with ranch.

Still chugging away on water. I had to wean myself off the diet coke again.  I found myself going to the gas station and getting the 100 oz mega gulp from hell cup.  On a very hot day, like it is right now in Louisiana, I love a diet coke lovingly swimming in small crunchy ice enclosed in a environmentally unfriendly Styrofoam cup.

Sonic! Sonic has good ice and cups. And burgers too!

Sigh. Enough of that talk.

I was just going to mention I’m back on the lime flavored seltzer water when I need a  soda pop or a fizzy energy drink.

Maybe I should have said, “Crazy For Purple Paris”

Welcome to my new home!

As you walk in, you will encounter my infamous purple couch and a rather large picture of Paris (compliments of Ikea) . . .

It’s a one bedroom and I have decked it out in all things Paris.

My vanity station.

And finally, my library/office. I do so love it.

Yep, that’s a purple chair. I’m recognizing my purple problem.

The latest addition to my humble abode:

 

My Own Little Paris

My lemon tree is thriving and so am I.

Today, I saw my doctor. We talked about my travels. Like a kid, I reported all my accomplishments.  Like doing one day of Couch 2 5k but earnestly sincerely vowing to complete the program.

There was nothing to report about my symptoms.  It has been almost one year since I was in the mental hospital.

I am slowing coming out of my severe depression.  I haven’t been crying. I haven’t been despondent.

I am very slowly determinedly marching forward.

I still mourn my former life and my former self.  But, I’m finally coming to acceptance that is all in the past.

I am learning that I can have a new life. A happy life. A fulfilled life.  Without any of the stuff I previously thought was important.

Letting go has been ten times harder than I would have ever thought.

However, I am joyful at seeing some sunlight.

See my stuff? It’s shifting toward the door.

That’s right. I’m leaving the nest!

Tomorrow morning, I sign the rental lease and get the keys to my modest one bedroom apartment. It is not unlike my very first apartment.  Now, as back then, it is like a palace to me. 

I’m excited about moving this weekend and making the place my own. 

Yes, the decorating theme is Paris. I’ve already bought the comforter set.

Nutrisystem Con’d

Today is my 4th day on Nutrisystem. I can honestly now say I have tried every diet program on the market. I’ve been successful and I’ve failed. This one is still up in the air.  

So far, the portions are very tiny.  This is an example of a breakfast. One “if I wasn’t so hungry, it would be cute” small muffin.

 

Some of the stuff does not taste good and most of the time I’m hungry. I’m pretty miserable actually. I also think it’s expensive.  But, it is very convenient.  It is nice not to have to grocery shop, cook or clean the kitchen.

I start the morning with grabbing a day’s worth of food out of the first 8-days box. It’s called the “Fast 5” because if you follow the plan you are almost (everyone is different blah blah blah) guaranteed to lose 5 pounds.

This is what a day of food looks like. Yep, now you know why people lose weight on this program. It’s not a lot of food.  Although, in the company’s defense, they do advise you to add fresh non-starchy vegetables. Screw that, I say! I’m already paying $279 for this 28 days of food. Food budget is busted. 

However, I did pick up some carrots, some bell peppers, cucumber and zucchini just because I was so hungry.  

 In happy news, I picked up this handy dandy gadget at Wal-Mart for $14.99.  THE VEGGETTI!

It makes noodles out of any long vegetable.  I tried it out with a zucchini. For the first run, I used the “thick” end of the gadget.  There is also a “thin” side. 

I am happy with this purchase and plan to make spaghetti zucchini “noodles” and cold cucumber salad “noodles.”

On my first run, I mixed cooked zucchini “noodles” with my miniscule lunch portion of Spicy Kung Pao noodles for an “ok” lunch.

Tonight was the first time I thought about quitting.  I even went to the website to see about returning the rest of the “food.”

For dinner, I opened up the Italian Herb Flat Bread pizza. This is the picture on the website.

This is what you get.

Big sigh. That’s my dinner.

This is what I have to smell that is on the stove cooking.

Well, I’m not quitting!!!!! I will do this. At least for the next 2 months.  That’s what I am signed up for and Nutrisystem penalizes you muy financially for cancelling before then.

But, I have to tell you.  I hope this is just a slump and it gets easier.