If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!

I am tortured. Where to start? Today, I read some of my hospital records from SASH (San Antonio State Hospital). It’s an insane asylum. Except, we do not call them that anymore. It’s just SASH.

The reading is somber. I cried. I cried because that’s not me. I don’t remember. I don’t know.

Why would I go down this rabbit hole? I didn’t intentionally. I accidently came across it in a folder dedicated to mental illness recovery.

This folder holds information on a Wellness Recovery Action Plan®, or WRAP ®. This is the brain child of Ms. Mary Ellen Copeland. I first heard the name through my small town psychiatrist in the very beginning. At the time all I did was do a brief internet search on her and I moved on quickly. I wasn’t much into taking charge of my health back then. Then, I ended up in SASH. And, I was given the folder. Over a year later, I am just now seriously giving it attention.

WRAP ® and Ms. Mary Ellen Copeland have plans, one specifically called a Daily Maintenance Plan. Sound familiar? That caught my attention too because I have naturally instinctively developed a Daily Maintenance List that I sometimes call a Daily Maintenance Plan. Her plan is detailed. A life saver (literally). Mine is crude and is only helpful to me.

I have simply a list of the most basic of things I have to do in a day. I mean. THE MOST BASIC.

http://crazyinparis.com/2014/03/03/daily-maintenance-plan/

I can’t stress enough how I am in the elementary stage of this recovery (despite being released from SASH over a year ago). For me, this has definitely been a slow . . . very slow . . . recovery.

Yesterday, I was in a fog (recovering from my weekend “non medication” bender). My daily maintenance list/plan gave me something to focus on. I needed that focus. I needed to be told what to do. My brain is not automatic anymore. So, I walked Ginger. Brushed my teeth. Got coffee. Each time looking at the list (the things I do every day) for the next step. Every minute I was thankful I didn’t have a job to do. As I robot’ed through the day, I was so thankful, so very thankful, I had this day to myself.

Today, I’m better. And, I decided the events of the last few days will never do. I reaffirmed my post-SASH commitment to take my medication. I cracked open my WRAP® folder. I cried over my hospital records but moved on. I looked at the handouts that describe the WRAP® program.

I got overwhelmed. The handout isn’t even the book. Or the website. Just the presentation slides from a SASH doctor on the WRAP® program.

I have some homework to do. I’m heading to the library to make copies of this simplified 2 page front and back handout. I want to sit down and read it. Absorb it. Then, make notes on the copy. Lastly, I need to truthfully answer the questions asked.

I already know have to document more. Organize more. Strategize more. So far, me and mine have been flying by the seat of our pants on this.

That’s no plan.

I’m going to make us a plan!

A Shaky Awesome Cup of Mental Dysfunction

Admittedly, I didn’t take my medication Saturday night. I honestly thought it would result in a great day Sunday but I bombed miserably. It wasn’t a full blown psychotic episode but it could have been if I didn’t call my mom and her race over to throw one of my anti-anxiety pills down my throat. There was a time when my freak out would have freaked my mom out but now she does not bat an eyelash. God bless that woman.

I’m still recovering from the aftershocks of one day off my medication. I thank God I didn’t have to report to a Monday morning of work.

Like a horse long beaten dead, I repeat in my mind, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I hold it together?” Now, even the smallest disappointment. The smallest clinch in the matrix. Sends me into a mental tailspin. I can’t control it. I honestly cannot control myself. I cannot just “get it together.”

A small glimpse into my life on Sunday would have shown me literally shaking just to make a cup of tea. I thought, “I just need to take deep breaths and make myself an awesome cup of tea. An awesome cup of tea and deep breaths will make this bearable.” But, no wholesome homeopathic remedy can stop this mental train.

My only hope is prescription medication. It’s that serious. But, the medication is a roller coaster. Try this one. Now try that one. Up the dosage. Lower the dosage. In the beginning, I was optimistic when the therapist said there were so many “things” we could try. Now, that scares me.

We are playing games with MY MIND. And, why isn’t working on its own anymore! And, why was the drug that was working (keeping me stable) why isn’t that working anymore!

Why am I wreck? I might understand better if it was always this way but it wasn’t. I functioned fine before my mid-30’s. Ok, maybe I was a little eccentric but definitely not on the wacko radar.

Now, I honestly feel like someone took a baseball bat to the back of my knees. At the same time, a rubber band just snapped in my mind. And, it just keeps snapping. It hasn’t stopped.

Could not taking a medication I’ve been taking faithfully for one year just for one night cause me such upheaval? Or is this a bigger problem? I honestly don’t know but when I see the doctor this week, I’m just going to be honest. That’s the best I got. “This is what I did. This is what happened. And, I think, in my uneducated opinion, that we need a different anti-depressant and a higher dose of anxiety medication. Maybe we have to do something with this mood stabilizer because I don’t think that’s doing its job either. But, then the combination of these particular medications do allow me to get a peaceful night of sleep so I am wary of letting them go.”

Anyway, for right now, I am back to being faithful to my current medication regiment, which resulted in a wonderful night of uninterrupted rest and hobbling around my very simple daily maintenance list today.

http://crazyinparis.com/2014/03/03/daily-maintenance-plan/

How Weight Watchers Works

Everything you eat has a “point” except for fresh fruits and vegetables. The latter being on the house.

You get X amount of points a day and some extra for the week. You get extra for exercising too!

You “track” the amount of points you consume

Here’s how it really changes you. When you keep track of what you eat, accountability kicks in.  You really start paying attention. No more mindless eating.

Last night, it hit home for me.

MOVIE NIGHT~ A Winter’s Tale, which was good, by the way. Not what I expected. Bonus: Will Smith is in it.

Normally for movie night, I would have:

  • A box of Raisinets
  • A  soda
  • A giant bowl of mega butter movie theater popcorn with that chemical movie butter on top

Weight Watchers turned movie night into:

DSCN2585

  • A respectable bowl of a 100 calories of fat free popcorn
  • A portioned amount of Weight Watchers dark chocolates
  • Water

I also had Weight Watchers chicken strips and French fries for dinner. All within my allotted budget and not bad at all.

That’s how it works. You start making better choices (and become healthier) by becoming a measuring weighing point counting fiend.

I can’t write long because I’m in a great hurry.  I started reading Good Omens and it is hilariously written.  I am loving it.  Thank you, Mr. Jeezusgut.

It’s cold weather (perfect for reading) and deer season here. My stepdad just got a deer this morning. In fact, he called to ask me to come over to help clean it. I was like, “Sure thing, boss man.” Hung up and I’m still planted here. I guess after I finish this I’ll get dressed and go help. It’s not my favorite thing.

I’ve been doing good. One of my nutrition nut friends recommended some B12 mouth spray from her favorite Dr. Mercola (she was like, “You haven’t heard of Dr. Mercola?!?!”) and I gotta say, it has given me a little bit of an energy boost.

Everyday, I’ve been getting in my walk and putting a smiley face sticker on the calendar. This past week I went back to Weight Watchers. I know how to lose weight and all the principles. It’s not rocket science, right? Move your ass and cut out the junk. ooookkkkkkkkk. Well, I needed the extra help this go around.

So, every Thursday evening, you’ll find me at this small town’s Chamber of Commerce publicly weighing myself and sitting around with a bunch of really fat people talking about how we lost our 1 pound this week. At my first meeting, I wanted to punch this woman in the face. She brought pumpkin muffins and starting being forceful about people taking one. I stood my ground and had to tell the old bitty several times to elf off (in a polite way, of course).

Who brings baked goods to a Weight Watchers meeting and doesn’t even bother to calculate the points? One woman whispered, “I really don’t want this but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.” And, I said, “Lady, she’s a food pusher. I got no sympathy for that kind of person.” I am determined to get down to my fighting weight and turn this group around. It’s the same group that was there in February shortly before I quit and I promise they look the same as when I left them 6 months ago. So, I’ll be surprised if I get any help or inspiration from this bunch.

The apartment gets more and more fabulous. On the inside. Other than my apartment in Fort Myers Florida, this has to be the nicest apartment I’ve had. Go figure subsidized housing. On the outside, it’s just a bunch of degenerates. They ask for rides. They ask for money. They are rude. I’ve contemplated putting up a DO NOT DISTURB sign. But, instead I took down my door wreath so I can see out the door clearly and I will not be opening my door to just anybody. Hopefully, the loser zombies will get the hint. Now, it’s not all bad. I do have a couple very charming ladies that I’ve grown attached. Ms. Betty, Ms. Sara and Ms. Josephine. All about 80 years old. And, just the cutest group. They sit on each other’s porches smoking away talking about crochet and working at the telephone company. I’ve become an honorary member.

Yesterday, we loaded up their canes and walking buggies and went yard sailing. And, I loved it! I love a good yard sale day. I ended up getting some high end ramekins (little baking dishes) for a $.25 the whole set. A brand new three hole punch for $.50 (still in the box). And, a couple of very cute plus size outfits for $.25 a piece.

To top it off, we each got a pair of brand new leg warmers so we’ll be a bunch of matching “Flash Dance” Twinkies. They bought a bunch of knick knacks. I know from my own grandmother that old ladies love some what-nots.

My doggy is perfectly charming and doing well. She has developed a nasty habit of taking my clothes out of the hamper and shredding them. She does this when I am away so she has some time for the illegal operation. That’s in addition to her love of trash can knocking. I came home one day to colorful stripes of cloth mixed in with trash all over the apartment. I was shocked and so mad. Now, if I want to keep my clothes I have to make sure everything is in the closet with the door shut. Trash cans are all locked up as well. Pets are so crazy!

Well, I’m back to Good Omens . . . Peace