Admittedly, I didn’t take my medication Saturday night. I honestly thought it would result in a great day Sunday but I bombed miserably. It wasn’t a full blown psychotic episode but it could have been if I didn’t call my mom and her race over to throw one of my anti-anxiety pills down my throat. There was a time when my freak out would have freaked my mom out but now she does not bat an eyelash. God bless that woman.
I’m still recovering from the aftershocks of one day off my medication. I thank God I didn’t have to report to a Monday morning of work.
Like a horse long beaten dead, I repeat in my mind, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I hold it together?” Now, even the smallest disappointment. The smallest clinch in the matrix. Sends me into a mental tailspin. I can’t control it. I honestly cannot control myself. I cannot just “get it together.”
A small glimpse into my life on Sunday would have shown me literally shaking just to make a cup of tea. I thought, “I just need to take deep breaths and make myself an awesome cup of tea. An awesome cup of tea and deep breaths will make this bearable.” But, no wholesome homeopathic remedy can stop this mental train.
My only hope is prescription medication. It’s that serious. But, the medication is a roller coaster. Try this one. Now try that one. Up the dosage. Lower the dosage. In the beginning, I was optimistic when the therapist said there were so many “things” we could try. Now, that scares me.
We are playing games with MY MIND. And, why isn’t working on its own anymore! And, why was the drug that was working (keeping me stable) why isn’t that working anymore!
Why am I wreck? I might understand better if it was always this way but it wasn’t. I functioned fine before my mid-30’s. Ok, maybe I was a little eccentric but definitely not on the wacko radar.
Now, I honestly feel like someone took a baseball bat to the back of my knees. At the same time, a rubber band just snapped in my mind. And, it just keeps snapping. It hasn’t stopped.
Could not taking a medication I’ve been taking faithfully for one year just for one night cause me such upheaval? Or is this a bigger problem? I honestly don’t know but when I see the doctor this week, I’m just going to be honest. That’s the best I got. “This is what I did. This is what happened. And, I think, in my uneducated opinion, that we need a different anti-depressant and a higher dose of anxiety medication. Maybe we have to do something with this mood stabilizer because I don’t think that’s doing its job either. But, then the combination of these particular medications do allow me to get a peaceful night of sleep so I am wary of letting them go.”
Anyway, for right now, I am back to being faithful to my current medication regiment, which resulted in a wonderful night of uninterrupted rest and hobbling around my very simple daily maintenance list today.