The Gift of Staying Home

I’ve been thinking.

The Oprah Magazine, October 2014, has on the cover, “See Life Through a New Lens!”

How to: Own your quirks, love your flaws and celebrate your style.

I don’t even need to read the article (but I will). I love it!

You know one of the things I have struggled with is how to explain to people my current life. As if I need to explain. I’ve rambling about this on at least two occasions.

How do you answer the inevitable question of “What do you do?” which basically means “Who are you?”

http://crazyinparis.com/2014/04/07/what-am-i/

http://crazyinparis.com/2014/05/14/whatcha-been-up-to/

Well, nothing has changed in my circumstances but I’m now in a place where I am comfortable with who I am. I know what I do. I don’t need to prove anything. I have embraced my present circumstances.  In fact, it is turning out quite nice.

Yesterday, I found an article in the Washington Post that nicely sums up my recent enlightment and feelings on the matter.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/23/with-kids-off-at-school-how-i-answer-so-what-do-you-do-all-day/

The summary:

When confronted with the question, “What do you do?” we think our answer has to be time worthwhile and productive.  We have to say something profound or our life is meaningless or the person will think less of us.

We put pressure on ourselves this way.

For me, I have the additional paranoia, of not just judgment, but that the person will somehow destroy my happy place.

Like the article states, staying at home is a luxury to many and something to feel humbled and grateful for on a daily basis.

It is a beautiful gift.

Here recently, I’ve come to enjoy being able to stay home.  Having my days free.  Not having to deal with the stress and people of a job. It’s a huge relief off my shoulders.  This is definitely a gift that has been given to me and I’m going to enjoy every moment of it.

I also seen on Facebook a little ditty that people will hate you; people will love you and it has nothing to do with you so really, my front of an answer, stutter or confident proclamation of my circumstances makes no difference.

My life is non-traditional.  Always has been. Probably always will be.  People in the traditional rat race will never get the life that has been given me.

And, I have finally stopped asking for a “normal” life and can now see my blessings.

Thank you God for the much needed rest from the world. I love my new sanctuary.

So yeah, I’m loving that. I’m owning that. Those are my flaws and this is my life.

Medication Hiatus

Yesterday was a really good day.

Of course, it’s because I forgot to take my medication before I went to bed the night before.

I can tell you the medication does work to put me to sleep because I had a horrible night of no sleep or half sleep. A lot of tossing and turning. No sleep for me turns me into a raging psychopath but it takes a few days to get to that state so I can safely enjoy myself for one day.

Anyway, despite the rough night, I woke up feeling like my old self. I was totally doing something I shouldn’t so I did have some guilt. Nonetheless, it was nice. I felt focused and energized. That great big thumb that is always pressing me down was gone.  I happily got some things done that I would normally be dragging my sluggish booty to do.  I just had a really good day.

But, when the clock struck 8pm, I took my glass slippers off, got some orange juice and dutifully took my medication.

I remember what one doctor said, “Sure. Fine. You’ll be able to do it one day. Two days. Maybe a month. Maybe TWO months. BUT!!  Eventually, the bottom WILL fall out and you’ll be in a mental hospital worse off than before.”

MEDICATION. MEDICATION. MEDICATION. Gots to have it! It keeps the demons away, which are a lot worse than the side effects.

From a diet standpoint, I am doing well. If you recall, I ordered Nutrisystem. I did fine on that for the first two weeks. Lost 8 pounds but started hating the food and having side effects so I gradually turned to goody non-diety deliciousness one bite at a time.  A pound crept back on. Then, a half pound.

That’s when I went to the store to get my real food fixins.

Breakfast

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1 egg

4 oz non-fat Greek yogurt

½ cup blueberries

1 slice bacon

1 banana

9 almonds

Lunch~ Great Big Ole Salad

When I was vegan for a short time, this was the best lesson I learned. Everybody should be eating a Great Big Veggie Fest Salad every day. My grandma also swears by this and she is a healthy, hearty good for another 100,000 miles 80 years old.

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Lettuce (like 6 cups)

Tomato (medium size)

Half a cucumber

3oz chicken

Real Bacon Bits

Dressing (It’s Ranch for me. I start out that way. It helps me hork down the salad but I’ll taper myself off eventually)

Dinner

Right now, I am eating my Nutrisystem dinners drowned in Siracha.  I’ll be eating those and the lunches for a while.

So far, I am two days strong and have removed the post-Nutrisystem creepin gain. I give myself smiley stickers for every day I stick to nutritious eating.

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While I am working away on this blog and some other internet duties, my Ginger-Bear is behind me and has claimed the big comfy reading chair.

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Patronus Charm for Depression

Depression is a bitch. It’s like a dementor sucking the very life out of you.

But, here lately, there has been a spark of life within me. I still feel like I have heavy chains that I drag around with me but I force myself to do it. I know what it is like to feel emotionally and physically weighed down but what has helped me is just fighting it even if my efforts seem puny. One tiny step in front of the other.  At least do the bare minimum required to be human.

Turning to my ever faithful daily list has helped me the most.

  • Get out of bed
  • Walk Ginger
  • Brush Teeth
  • Weigh Self
  • Get Coffee
  • Take Fish Oil
  • Make Bed
  • Pick out clothes for the day
  • Clean Kitchen
  • Shower
  • Get dressed
  • Face moisturizer and deodorant~ It’s so easy when you don’t have to work to just wallow in your pj’s and get a little bit stinky.  But, I’m going to stop that.  So, even if it’s just for me, I will get dressed and fix myself up.
  • Read my daily Jesus books
  • Blog
  • Do something productive.  I make a list of what needs to be done that day.   It can be very simple.Today, I ran to the store for toilet paper and deodorant.  I have a birthday party to go to.  I reached out to a recent acquaintance to see if they wanted to do something social.

Once you start doing the basics, it’s like a snowball.  You’ll find yourself doing more and more.  I haven’t achieved a normal life yet  but I have hopes to be back among the regular population again as a sane and rational person.

Crabby Pants Neighbors

I don’t live a charmed life but I always have what I need and for that I am blessed. But, things get dodgy and there is a lot of stress and angst as things fall into place.

I always feel like I am fighting some battle. Things are never serene. One of my friends says it’s always drama with me. I argue that drama is the one starting it.

There was a brief time in my life that I jumped out of bed excited for the day.

It might be age, circumstances, mental health, weight, etc. but I am not happy. Nonetheless, I determinedly march out of bed.  I hit my daily maintenance list and I just keep going until the day is over. I do everything I can.

Right now, I am somewhat unhappy with my new apartment.  On the inside, I have made it a perfect sanctuary.  On the outside, there are nothing but trolls. The trolls being my neighbors.

It’s a small complex.  Only 30 units.  And, some of these residents are really hunkered down. And, they are old. That was actually what appealed to me about the place.

It’s so small that currently, my Ginger Bear, my puppy love, is the only dog.

What has me mad? (which is a dangerous state for me)

These nasty people come out of their apartments to yell things at us! It scares her half to death. It pisses me off. It is literally a “Get off my lawn!” protest.  They don’t want her near their apartment and there are only so many places I can walk her.

So now, we avoid these “hot spots” but I did get a nasty gram from the apartment office that stated they had received “numerous complaints” and I needed to be reminded of all the rules of pet responsibly and if I couldn’t abide by these rules, Ginger would need to go.

It’s very unfair.

When I went to the manager to talk to her, she just implied that this was their place and had no empathy for my situation.

Even this morning, I was across the street and this nasty resident came out and glared at us.  She didn’t say anything this time because we on the other side of the street, my dog was on a lease and I was standing at the ready for pooper duty. But, I could feel her disapproval. It’s very uncomfortable.

I should be able to shrug this off but I’m sensitive. I am definitely stewing about this. So, I took an extra Ativan. I hit my Jesus books for patience. And, I am sipping my homemade latte from my Nespresso ranting to you fine people.

At first, I had a gut reaction that I wasn’t going to expose Ginger to this hostile environment.  Shamefully, I made some inquiries to find her a new home.  Then, I looked at her face and knew I loved her too much. I didn’t want her going anywhere.

So, here we are. I’ll be waiting for the shoe to drop and saving up my money in case I have to find another place to live.

Pushing for Ten

I want to get to a 10 pound loss on Nutrisystem. Right now, I am at 7.3 pounds lost. A victory I am proud of.

It would probably be faster and better if I followed the program exactly but I honestly don’t know who can do that. So, I eat their food, which is surprisingly, nay shockingly, filling. But, I’ll tell you. This stuff is so chemical. Lord. I don’t even want to know what it’s made of. But, it does have an effect on your constitution.

A very frequent and urgent effect. I’m dealing with this right now.

I do not want to leave the house.

Accidents, you know.

That is all I will say.

So, I eat what they give me and if I’m still hungry, I supplement with something healthy.  But, I might have a day where I eat lunch out. In which case, I order a salad. But, still with ranch.

Still chugging away on water. I had to wean myself off the diet coke again.  I found myself going to the gas station and getting the 100 oz mega gulp from hell cup.  On a very hot day, like it is right now in Louisiana, I love a diet coke lovingly swimming in small crunchy ice enclosed in a environmentally unfriendly Styrofoam cup.

Sonic! Sonic has good ice and cups. And burgers too!

Sigh. Enough of that talk.

I was just going to mention I’m back on the lime flavored seltzer water when I need a  soda pop or a fizzy energy drink.

Maybe I should have said, “Crazy For Purple Paris”

Welcome to my new home!

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As you walk in, you will encounter my infamous purple couch and a rather large picture of Paris (compliments of Ikea) . . .

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It’s a one bedroom and I have decked it out in all things Paris.

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My vanity station.

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And finally, my library/office. I do so love it.

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Yep, that’s a purple chair. I’m recognizing my purple problem.

The latest addition to my humble abode:

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