Walk first, then run

Deep apartment cleaning scheduled for Wednesday, Thursday at the latest. If I had the money, I would hire a cleaning lady. It’s amazing how fast things go downhill.  Right now, I have a maze of papers, boxes, cardigans, and shoes weaving through the apartment. The kitchen looks like dirty dishes exploded and are multiplying rapidly.  The place smells like old Chinese. But, it’s just me and I am not expecting any visitors.  It’s easy to let things go.

Even when I was my manic self, I wasn’t much of a housekeeper. I’ve always been a slob.  There are so many better things to do than clean.  Like read.  Even knit. Watch television. Go for a walk. Now, that I think about it that is usually what I do.  Just say away from the mess. I used to go walking or for a run. I’d go anywhere to avoid cleaning.  That’s right. Cleaning is low on my list.  Weirdly enough, I will let it get so bad that I enjoy putting on some rubber gloves, loading up trash bags, and spraying the whole place down with cleaning chemicals.  Then, start all over with messing it up.  Don’t get me started on laundry. I will go buy new clothes not to have to do laundry.  It’s bad. My apartment has a once a month inspection where they check the fire extinguisher, fix things, etc.  You can guarantee the day before I’ll be busting hump to cover up my piggy-ness.

In other news, I’ve walked four (4) days in a row! I am now up to 2 miles and it feels good. I missed putting on my tunes and hitting the pavement. I’d love to run but I’m too big for that but the walking has done me good already. Yesterday, just walking the two miles had me huffing and puffing with my face all red.

I am still watching my diet but then I did have Chinese last night. I love love Chinese food and this little redneck town has the best fast food Chinese takeout joint I’ve encountered yet . I’ve recognized that I will have to stay away. I still have some leftover Nutrisystem dinners and a new month’s supply of lunches and snacks. Then, I am done with that.  I can’t see myself going on it again.  Too processed.  It upsets my digestion.  Really bad.  It’s just not natural.

I see my psychiatrist in a little less than a month and I’m going to tell him I want to keep things like this for a bit. It’s not perfect but what I want doesn’t exist.  I want my manic state back without turning into a psycho.  These medications I am on now just keep me so down.  Not depressed but numb.  I feel like I am living in a fog.  I have to force myself to do every little thing.  I have no energy but I recognize part of it is being obese.  I’ve just been half ass’ing it but I am starting to get a little jazzed up about conquering this weight and then see where I am at energy and attitude wise.  If I get back into running, I know I’ll feel better.  If I am my normal weight, I know I’ll feel better.  So, we’ll just have to see.  I just can’t honestly look my doctors in the eye and tell them I’ve done everything I can for my health and then expect them to cure everything. It’s just not right. There is so much that I could be doing to reclaim my life.

First, I have to continue my walking every day or do an exercise video if weather not permitting the walk. I have them but I have never actually done one. Second, drink my water. The least I can do is flush out some toxins.  Third, eat whole nutritious foods.  Get rid of the junk.  I’ll probably go back to Weight Watchers. It really is a good program.  I am always stunned when I figure out the points I get and the points my foods are.  No wonder I am fat! It really is an eye opener. In fact, I am going to join right now and get to counting.

By the way, this article inspired me to start walking.

Google “My Fitspiration is family”

It’s an article from the Health website called “Weight Loss Before-And-After: “My Fitspiration is family”

One of my doctors told me to join Weight Watchers and this girl lost her weight with it as well.  Everywhere I turn, there are signs to WW.  But, I especially like this article because she became a runner and her power ballad is “Defying Gravity” from  Wicked.

It reminds me of myself.  When I first started running,  I couldn’t believe how far I could go. Then, I ran a marathon.  I want to get back to that girl so I framed a picture of my marathon finish and put by my bed.

That’s me!

Marathon

If I did it once, I can do it again.

Book Diving

Yesterday, I did my favorite thing in the whole wide world. Book diving.  I started out at the brand new warehouse location of my favorite used book store, The Thrifty Peanut. Then, I hit the Goodwill.

My modest stash:

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  • The author of Twilight Stephanie Myer’s The Host
  • Linda Howard (trashy romance writer but so good!) Now You see Her
  • Emily Giffin Something Borrowed
  • Nicholas Sparks Nights in Rodanthe (this has been added to the nightstand rotation due to someone else recommending)
  • Jennifer Greene Blame It on Chocolate
  • Cecelia Ahern P.S. I love you

Arriving in the mail today was Bethenny’s Yoga Workout collection. I love her so much. I’m hoping it motivates me to some physical activity.

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I also went to the library to see what they had and came away with newest book by my favorite author, Ms. Amanda Quick. She write under many names but this is her historical romance pen. I just love it! I’ve been eating these book up since I was a kid. Everything stops when I get her book.

Lastly, look what I found at the Goodwill:

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An Eiffel Tower wine rack!! How stinking cute.

So yeah, I guess nothing cheers me up more than adding to my book collection and finding cute stuff at the thrift store because I am so jazzed up about my finds.

Tomorrow will be better

I’ve been in a bit of a funk, which is why the radio has been silent.

I guess if I had to pinpoint it,  it would be the news from my therapist that the nobody un-bipolar-ers. I did have hopes that it would go away.  That I would be the version of myself that I know best. The one I am most comfortable with. The gravity of being mentally ill has also hit me.  It’s a big responsibility. For me. And to my fellow human beings.

I can’t afford to be carefree.  I have to be vigilant to my disposition at all times.

And, I have to be a hostage to medication.

With little support system. Sure, I have my doctor and professional team but they are not with me on a daily basis.  My search for other bipolars has been fruitless. My therapist says not to take it to heart.  Bipolars are not social. They are difficult.  And, much of the time, they are in denial about their condition. Not everybody has the insight and ability to communicate like I do.  I can understand that.  Sometimes, I am the same introvert. But, I am just fascinated with the prospect of findings others. I will take any guidance I can get.

I am at a loss.  I want a roadmap.

I want it so bad because I want to be able to follow something that will ensure all ends well for me. Doesn’t everybody, right? But, since there is no handbook on life, there is certainly no handbook on life with mental illness.

Today was a “could hardly drag myself out of bed” day and I have been dragging cement shoes everywhere.  My limps are so heavy. My mind is numb.  I do not even care enough to despise myself or circumstance.

This is one of the unpleasant sides of bipolar.  I hope to wake up tomorrow in better spirits.

Clean Myself Up

I’ve been scarce because I am coming off a Netflix bender.

This time it was “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”

It's always sunny

Now, I am moving on to the latest Neflix season of “Once Upon a Time”

Yes, my taste is all over the place.

This morning, I woke up and saw my place and thought “What a dump!” So, today is an uneventful cleaning day.

I’m scrubbing the bathroom . . .

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Making beds . . .

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Cleaning floors. And tidying up anything else . . .

The Quiet Woman

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I still read Jesus Calling every day. I have my Jesus time in the morning where I read Sarah Young books and the Bible. I enjoy it. It gives me peace and hope.

I am still thinking about one particular chapter from the September 19 Jesus Calling.

“There is a mighty battle going on for control of your mind. Heaven and earth intersect in your mind; the tugs of both spheres influence your thinking. I created you with the capacity to experience foretastes of heaven.  When you shut out the world and focus on My Presence, you can enjoy sitting with Me in heavenly realms.  This is an incredible privilege reserved for precious ones who belong to Me and seek My Face.  Your greatest strength is your desire to spend time communing with me.  As you concentrate on Me, My Spirit fills your mind with Life and Peace.”

I’m not as close to God as I should be. I don’t meditate. I haven’t spent much time communing with God. In fact, my Jesus time in the morning is all I do right now.  I tend to only pray in crisis.  However, lately, I have thanked God for my blessings and asked that he please not give me anything bad right now. I just need a moment to enjoy the stillness.

This chapter spoke to me because when I had my life, I was always running around. It was a great battle. I had a million things going on.  I stopped taking care of myself.  I stopped doing the little things that I enjoyed.

I gave up one of my greatest gifts.  That was spending time alone with my thoughts. With myself.  In total silence. No television. No Pandora. Just the hum of the air conditioner and the chirping of birds outside.

Instead, I jumped out of bed in the morning, got ready, raced to work, spent 8+ hours with people that just verbally and mentally pecking the life out of you, went to the gym, fixed dinner, and went to sleep. Repeat the next day.

What I needed was total stillness. A break from the insanity.

With a notepad next to me.

My place for this is my bedroom. It’s uncluttered. It’s dark. I lay on my comfortable bed. It’s soft and warm.

This is my quiet and happy sanctuary. A place I can block out from the rest of the world. I’ve always been this way. A lover of my bedroom.  I could stay there and not come out until someone began to worry.

I just lay there.

I just let my thoughts run.

Freely. Whatever. It doesn’t matter what I think.  Sometimes, it’s nothing. I might fall asleep.  Other times, I am processing.

It might be something worth writing in this blog.

Or, it might just be my to do list:

  •                 Clean the kitchen
  •                 Clean the frig
  •                 Take out the trash
  •                 Check the mail

I wish I could say this has helped me keep my sanity but it hasn’t. Only medication has done that. But, it might just work for someone less screwed up than me. For me, it’s just something I enjoy and I think it helps me not go off on people. It just gives me a more serene disposition. Of course, the Demons are still there.  It’s just that they get put in the notebook and aren’t running wild in my head and oops, getting loose.

The first time

Today, I got a new therapist. It was awkward at first because she thought I was a new intake but soon realized I was established so she wanted me to tell her about myself while she read over my file.

“What started all this?” she asked

Well, nothing. In fact, I thought everything was perfect. I had the job I wanted, the boyfriend I wanted, the apartment I wanted, the car I wanted. I could go on and on.  I loved my life. Everything was just right.

Then, I came home one Friday evening after work and I laid down for a nap. The next thing my eyes snapped open and I was shaking in rage. Literally, shaking in my bed. I wanted to kill someone. Not just anybody. A specific somebody. I planned it all in my head.  For the remainder of the night, I sent wild text and emails to two of my friends (one a ex-Marine and one a cop).  I knew they would stop me.  In fact, I prayed they would just come over and put a bullet in my head.  I didn’t see the feelings I had ever stopping.  Finally, one of them called the police.  By then I was already running around my apartment complex, rolling around in the grass, pounding my fists in the ground and screaming at the top of my lungs.  Another universe was running through my mind.  Something Apocalyptic. The world was ending. I didn’t care. Somewhere, my brother was screaming at me.  Telling me to hold on. To keep it together. That he was coming. He would run from one side of the world to the other but he would get to me.  I finally heard the sirens in the background. I knew they were coming for me.  I couldn’t open my eyes.  I couldn’t respond. I heard people asking me if I was ok, who I was.  And, I could only whisper my name, who my brother was and that he was coming to get me.

When I woke up in the hospital, I was strapped down to the table. I thought, “what have I done? Have I ruined my life?”

The doctor was wonderful. Assured me everything was ok. That he could tell I was a beautiful person. He told me I came in talking so fast it was like I was singing the alphabet and the Star Spangled Banner at the same time.

That’s how it all began. That was Fucking Fort Myers.

I asked this therapist if anybody ever un-bipolared. Sadly no. It was always there. It will always be there.

Today, for the first time, I realized how serious my condition is. Before I saw most of the people around me run in fear and I was standing there without a clue. Now, I kind of get it. It is a big deal.  Under the right conditions, I can turn psychotic.  I have turned psychotic.  I’ve very urgently wanted to kill a person.  If the person had been anywhere near me, I would have made it happen.  I might go off into another universe.  I might start screaming about something that I see that isn’t there. Today, for the first time, I finally got how truly scary that is.  Why it hasn’t hit me before, I don’t know.

But, I did find some closure today. I let go of all those people that let me down. I understand now why they were scared.

Mary Lambert

Mary Lambert_Secrets

There I am. Working away. I’ve done my laundry. Washed the dishes.  Now, I am plugging away on my computer listening to Pandora when this song comes on. I’ve never heard it. Or the artist. But, I’m hooked after the first few lines. She is me.

Mary Lambert~ Secrets

I’ve got bi-polar disorder
My shit’s not in order
I’m overweight
I’m always late
I’ve got too many things to say
I rock mom jeans, cat earrings
Extrapolate my feelings
My family is dysfunctional
But we have a good time killing each other

They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are) So-o-o-o-o what
So what
So what
So what

I can’t think straight, I’m so gay
Sometimes I cry a whole day
I care a lot, use an analog clock
And never know when to stop
And I’m passive, aggressive
I’m scared of the dark and the dentist
I love my butt and won’t shut up
And I never really grew
They tell us from the time we’re young
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I’m over it

I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are (secrets are)
So what . . .

Must buy the album.  I have this new thing where I am boycotting iTunes because when I upgrade my laptop I seem to lose my stuff. So, I would rather just have my hard copy CD.

But, yeah, just knowing there is yet another person out there with my struggle makes me feel better.