The last two years of my life struggle, I thought a lot about the people who gave up on me. A LOT. One of my best friends told me right from the get go: “I hope you get your life together.” That hurt. As if I was some druggie. Some deadbeat. As if I could do anything about the breakdowns. I couldn’t control what was happening to me. My world was falling down around me like an avalanche. I didn’t start it either. It just happened.
I think about the guy I was just starting to date that I thought was Mr. Awesome. I am still shocked at how fast Mr. “I think you are so awesome too Melisa” tucked tail and ran for the hills. Sometimes, his way of dealing with things was just being an asshole. And, he was a giant asshole afterwards. When I showed some of the text I was receiving to my brother, he had a few choice words. The short version was the guy wasn’t worth anything.
But, still some of these people I had in my life for a decade. Every day. Multiple times of day we spoke either in person or by phone, text, email, facebook, etc. We went to school together. We worked together. We spent vacations together. Did activities together.
At first, I missed them. I was really sad. I cried. A LOT. It hurt so bad. Pathetically, I still tried to be friends with all of them after I was back to being coherent and trying to put the pieces back together.
I called, I left text messages, emails, facebook request, etc. All that came back was the chirp of crickets. Nada. They weren’t interested. That really hurt.
I wanted to write nasty letters to them about how worthless they were. How much I had done for them. How I needed them. I wanted to plead my case that I was the same person they had known and claimed to love before.
But, I didn’t. I knew. They saw a crisis and ran in the opposite direction, not wanting to be involved, lest this thing that had reach out and snatched me should do the same to them.
Recently, I noticed a feeling of calm where the agony was. I can now think of these people without getting overwhelmingly sad. Now, I can shrug and just know that’s how some people are.
Those peoples’ friendships were obviously shallow. If a person can walk away from someone so easily, I doubt it was true & genuine to begin with. I know I read a lot but I believe that true love would never do that to a person.
Most people are just users and takers. Takers of money, energy and time. Vampires. They’ll take all the support they can get. They’ll be there when times are good but run like rats when the flood is coming.
They’ll never know what it is like to be all alone; to be able to stand on their own two feet and to succeed at the un-succeed-able.
Truly, this subject was the most hurtful to me when I lost everything. I can lose an apartment, car, clothes, etc. I can lose even my reputation. Say what you want about me. It doesn’t bother me.
Because, I know how to get a good life. I can rebuilt material things. I can rebuilt a career. And, I am.
I do have a few friends that have stood by their word: that they loved me no matter what. And, those people look so good to me and I can’t help but smile. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
It doesn’t matter that I am a basket case. I am still the same good person that everybody loved to begin with. The people who stayed get that.
Time heals the wounds the crisis jumpers created. The hurt becomes very dull and then non-existent. It’s been two years for me and now I can barely even remember the names of my former friends. I really have to think about it. Now, it’s the dude in Fort Myers. Oh, that’s right. Whatever. Glad he’s moved on. I can remember my bestie and remember our good times and just know that was a whole other time and place that doesn’t exist anymore. I can remember the good and not miss it so bad anymore.
It’s a new life now.
I’m rebuilding my circle. Very carefully this time. I look at people a little bit more. There is no longer an open invitation to be in my life. I’m selective. I’ll be very careful who I let in now. I know I’m worth it.
I have a lot to be thankful for and a good foundation to go climbing back to the top of the mountain:
1) I do not have to work right now so I can concentrate on my wellness.
2) I live in a good home.
3) My mom and stepdad would do anything for me.
4) I have a little bit of money to let me do some things I want to do.
5) I have my blog, which is more successful than I thought it would be. I’m surprised at how many followers and readers I have. To date, I have had over 1600 views. This gives me a good outlet. I am using my blog as a diary to document my journey. I print out the pages and put them in a notebook so I can just go back and flip through them one day. I try to post every day about something.
6) I’m on Weight Watchers. My diet is finally going good. This is my 5th day keeping to it strictly and I am losing weight. So happy.
7) I’m going to yoga. I’m walking. I’m going to Zumba.
8) I’m getting ready for swim season and my vacation to Japan.
Like I said, I’m re-building. Piece by piece.